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I don’t feel so good. Let me tell you why. I have, at this
very minute, 20 pounds of Matzo in my pantry, which I brought
home from the supermarket. It was absolutely free, since the
Jewish people are preparing for Passover, which begins at
sundown on April 13 this year, and I guess the supermarket
wanted to do something nice. Matzo is an unleavened bread and is
the only kind of bread that observant Jews are allowed to eat
during Passover, which is a very special and holy time. So now,
I’m feeling guilty about my Matzo score because, well … the
truth is … I’m not Jewish.
Not even a
little. I have done the research. I can celebrate St. Patrick’s
Day, Oktoberfest, whatever holidays English people have
(Monarchy Day?) and maybe even Bastille Day, but no Jewish
holidays for me. Why, you may ask, would a non-Jewish person
have 20 pounds of Matzo in his pantry? Did I mention that it was
absolutely free? They didn’t check my ID or anything. It’s as if
the market asked me, “Hey John, would you like a 5 pound box of
crackers for nothing – no questions asked?” And I answered, “Of
course!”
Four times.
How in the world,
I thought, could anyone, including God, be mad at me for
taking free Matzo? That would be displaced anger. They
should be mad at the supermarket for giving it away willy nilly
in the first place, right? How dare they! That was my thinking
in the heat of battle, as it were. Now, though, I’m beginning to
wonder if there is a special place in Hell reserved for non-Jews
who horde Matzo during Passover.
I sincerely hope
not, because I’m not taking it back. My main problem now, of
course, is that I have no idea what to do with it. I mean, a
family can only eat so much spray cheese and avocado dip. There
are no recipes on the boxes, unless that’s what all that Hebrew
writing is. I suppose I could just ask a Jewish person what he
would do with it, but I’m afraid the guilt would get the better
of me and I’d end up blurting out a full confession, leading
everyone within earshot to assume I’m either a lunatic or evil
or, more likely, an evil lunatic. So that’s out. Maybe I’ll just
keep them in a safe place in case any of my Jewish neighbors
experience a Matzo shortage emergency. Then I could be Mr. Super
Gentile to the rescue! No way could God still be mad at me then.
I guess I could put some those horrible (I just tasted one)
crackers in each of my kid’s Easter baskets and call it a lesson
in religious tolerance.
I could convert.
I wonder if
anyone has ever converted to Judaism in order to eat free
crackers without guilt. There has to be a special place in Hell
for that. I think what I need to do is just make sure we eat
them all before Passover begins. That way, I won’t feel all
guilty for having them, ‘cause I won’t. On the bright side, I’ve
only got about 19.9 pounds to go, and maybe the store will be
giving away spray cheese this week.
I’ll be praying
for it.
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