Ham

“No one ever told me there’d be days like these”. John Lennon’s words never rang so true. I had pictured it all in my mind a thousand times.  One day I’d have a daughter, and she would be a little princess. There would be tea parties, and little dresses, and “Good morning, Daddy!” and yes, maybe a few little tears from time to time for me to kiss away. There would be pony rides and trips to Disney World. There would be trips to the mall where complete strangers would come up to me and say, “What a perfect, polite little princess you have!  How do you do it?” Genetics, I would say. Genetics.

The combination of my genetics with my wife’s genetics has resulted in our four genetic mutations. I’m sorry, I meant children. There’s also Katelyn, my stepdaughter, so we have lots of experience in this area, but don’t be fooled. Experience only lulls a parent into a false sense of having control. 

One morning, around 7am or so, I was sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper and finishing the first, of several, cups of coffee. My wife Lynn was getting ready for work upstairs and the house was filled with that great morning sound of silence. It was the first morning in a while that I’d been able to have my coffee alone, without any of the kids or any of the cartoon characters which seem to be wherever the kids are. It was nice. I had just finished with the newspaper and folded it up when I heard someone coming downstairs.  It was definitely one of the kids. Not the big one, she stomps. Not my oldest son, he seems to bounce everywhere. Not the baby, he would just … well, I don’t want to think about how he would get downstairs by himself.  It was Sara, age 5 or Elisabeth, age 3. It turned out to be Elisabeth.

Elisabeth is a kid with a unique sense of style. She’ll leave the house wearing only a pair of shorts (backwards) and snow boots. Other times she’ll have on 3 shirts, a hat and nothing else. The first big word she learned to say and properly use was, “Delicious”. 

The second was, “Disgusting”.

Just today, I had to use a phrase that I never thought I’d use in my life.  Today, I had to tell Elisabeth to “Take those lollipops out of your panties”. Nothing they teach you in Lamaze class properly prepares you for uttering those words and meaning them.

Still, she’s one of my little princesses. I heard her come down the steps and walk across the hardwood floor in the foyer. She entered the kitchen dragging her little blanket behind. In the other hand she held the bear she sleeps with. She silently approached me and put her little tired head on my leg. In my morning bliss, I heard her say,

“Good morning, Daddy”. 

“Good morning, sweetheart”

“I love you, Daddy”

“I love you too.  Want to see the sports section?”

“I love that, Daddy!  Will you read it to me?”

“Of course I will, Princess”

But that’s not what I heard.  Not even close.  What I heard was,

“I need ham”

I’m a basically levelheaded guy who can handle unusual situations with rational logic. I use my powers of reasoning to assess difficult situations and decide upon the best course of action.  I try to be as “in control” as possible and be ready for anything, but I’d never been faced with, “I need ham” before. I mean, I had to go from morning coffee, the newspaper and bliss to a response to, “I need ham”. I could only come up with one, and that was, “Ummph??” I went to college, you know.

“Ummph??”

“I need ham”, she said, this time with emphasis, so I would get the point.

I began to gather my thoughts.

“We don’t have any ham, sweetie, how about some …”

“Bum?”

That’s “gum” for those of you without a three-year-old.

“No”, I said, still reeling from the exchange.

Then she just wandered off. Apparently, she woke up that morning and said to herself, “I’m going to dad and ask for ham first thing.  If that doesn’t work, I’ll go for the gum. If he won’t give it to me, I will NOT read the sports section with him”. It was at that moment that I realized that I had to start writing this stuff down. There must be some record of,  “I need ham” for future generations to learn from, for scholars to debate, for institutions of higher learning to achieve higher learning from.   Actually, the future generations and I are down right lucky there were no “s” sounds in that phrase, as Elisabeth refuses to use the “s” sound and changes them to “h” sounds. Other kids get to watch “Snow White”. Elisabeth calls that movie, “Ho White”, which, frankly, sounds a lot more interesting to me.

And these things happen every day, that’s the kicker.  Every day.

“Strange days, indeed.”
 

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Thanks,

John