| This is the
first in a series of essays I will be releasing in order to help
people with their lives. I used to think no one needed my help,
but apparently some do. Now they have no excuse.
Lesson 1
How to be a pedestrian
For our purposes, “Pedestrian” will be defined
as any creature using its feet to achieve motion, a person using
a wheelchair – even if motorized, and any creature who
previously was using its feet to achieve motion, but has stopped
in the middle of the road to think, talk to someone else or
commit suicide.
Pedestrianism is a great way to stay fit, be
environmentally responsible and get around if you follow some
simple rules:
Rule One
Roads are for motorized vehicles, sometimes
very large ones. If you find yourself in the middle of a road
and you are something other than a motorized vehicle, such as a
pedestrian or a bird, something nasty is sure to happen.
Invariably, whenever something nasty happens, the subject of the
nastiness gets up off the ground (if he/she/it can) looks around
(if he/she/it can) and says something like, “What happened?” or
“Chirp”. Well, I’ll tell you what happened. Probably, you were
in the road at the same general time that a motor vehicle was
there, and that’s almost never a good idea. The other
possibility is that you were run over by a second pedestrian who
was moving at a much higher rate of speed than you were because
that person had enough sense to try to get out of the road
before the motor vehicles came. Either way, the educated
pedestrian realizes the benefits of avoiding the middle of the
road and other moving objects whenever possible.
Rule Two
Vehicle stealth technology has not yet
progressed to the point of pedestrians having an excuse to not
be aware of a motor vehicle driving right behind them as they
are wandering through a parking lot searching for their own
vehicles. The little spaces between the painted lines are for
non-moving/parked motor vehicles and all other areas are for
moving ones. Pedestrians have to at least show that they are
aware that motor vehicles exist, especially when they are
looking for or walking toward their own. If you are a pedestrian
and you are so oblivious so as to not know that there is a car
bumper approximately eight inches from your ass and that this
car is being operated by an increasingly angry person, stay home
or at least use public transit. You really should not be in
control of your own destiny.
Rule Three
When pedestrianing along a road at night, do
not wear dark clothing because you think it makes you look cool.
It doesn’t. It makes you look invisible and motor vehicles drive
straight through invisible things all the time. A better choice
would be to wear bright colored, glow-in-the-dark clothing fixed
with flashing lights and some sort of sound system that makes
loud, whooshing noises. This will not make you look cool, but
instead you will look like a landing alien spacecraft. Motor
vehicles almost always avoid alien spacecraft. I promise.
Rule Four
Do not try to be a pedestrian if you are too
drunk to do it safely. It is almost never good for your health
and well being, despite being quite enjoyable for everyone
watching you. If you find yourself in this position, stay where
you are until your sober up and then go home and take a long, hard
look at your life.
Rule Five
When you are in a place where you are around
other pedestrians, always stay to the right. That way you can
avoid the situation where you and a person walking in the
opposite direction as you have to juke, dance around and wobble
back and forth like two ducks in a mating ritual to get around
each other. Important – if the “Stay to the right” rule doesn’t
seem to be working, you may have accidentally walked to Europe
and nothing I have to say will help you.
So there you have five simple rules for being
a good pedestrian. If these rules were too complex for you or if
you need help concerning more basic topics such as getting to
your feet or how to stay upright and Rule Four doesn’t apply,
it’s probably better for everyone if you just don’t leave the
house.
Next time: How to be a driver, even if
there are pedestrians or birds in the way.
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