| Driving on
America’s scenic highways and byways can be a beautiful,
invigorating and wonderful experience. It can be a dangerous,
frightening and life threatening experience as well, and that
just describes the other drivers. There are over 220 million
motor vehicles in America today, however most of them are on the
same road as I am, at all times. For the rest of you, and them,
here are some simple guidelines for you to remember that will
help make your driving experience more beautiful,
invigorating and wonderful and less dangerous, frightening and
life threatening.
1. Assume all other drivers are drunk and/or
tired. Most of them drive like they are anyway, and following
this rule will keep you on your toes.
2. Assume all pedestrians are deaf and blind.
Nothing against people who truly are deaf and blind, since those
people are usually much more responsible pedestrians than
hearing and sighted people. Still, you should assume all
pedestrians can’t hear you, can’t see you and don’t believe
there is anything on Earth that can flatten them if they happen
to be in its way.
3. All vehicles come from the factory with a
limited amount of horn sound, so you should be judicious in its
use. Do not use your horn for every little thing, such as to
tell everyone within earshot that the traffic light turned green
.7 seconds ago and why haven’t you moved yet or to let everyone
in the neighborhood know that it is 5 a.m. and you are the
carpool driver. You must save your horn sound for times when you
need to tell some other driver not to run into you or if you see
another vehicle with a “honk if you want to see my Uzi” bumper
sticker. If you are the type of person to use up all of your
horn sound, you will either have to have your horn sound box
refilled or have a new horn sound box installed
in your vehicle, although you probably should be banned.
4. In America, and all other civilized places,
motor vehicles always stay to the right. Always. If you are ever
politely and correctly keeping to the right and you happen to
see a sign that says, “Keep left”, either you’ve accidentally
driven to England or else everything you’ve ever known is a lie.
The “Keep left” sign may as well say, “This way madness lies”.
Faced with this possibility, many drivers will close their eyes,
let go of the steering wheel and begin screaming and/or praying.
This is not a recommended driving technique.
5. Vehicles are expensive and fragile objects
and must be properly maintained to be safely operated. In fact,
motor vehicles are so fragile that if they interact with any
object other than the road surface, such as other vehicles,
pedestrians, and wildlife and possibly even acorns and tiny
pebbles, thousands of dollars worth of damage will result. Then
you will have to take your vehicle to a repair shop where the
mechanic on duty will assume you are a sucker and tell you that
you can have your car back in 8 to 10 months or whenever you are
unable to come and pick it up.
6. You do know that your vehicle requires
fuel, right? Good. In many states, you are practically required
to pump your own fuel. In other states, it is illegal for you to
do that. How are you supposed to know the difference between
states? Wait until it is pouring rain or bitterly cold and then
go to a gas station. Look around. If all the other drivers are
sitting in their cars smiling, it’s a “no self-pump” state. If
the other drives are wet and/or cold and/or miserable, drive to
another state.
7. Most drivers are going somewhere and almost
all of them have to stop the vehicle when they arrive. Stopping
a motor vehicle involves either parking or slamming into
something. I will address the parking option. Too many people
think that the best parking place to use is the one that is
closest to your destination, even if you have to wait for it to
become available. Not true. The best parking places to use are
the ones that are already available when you arrive. If you are
the type of driver who is willing to hold up the flow of traffic
in a parking lot when it’s very busy, such as on Christmas Eve
or Arbor Day, in order to claim a parking spot that looks like
it might be available soon, but presently isn't, then all of the other drivers and I would
recommend that you use stopping option number two, preferably at
a very high rate of speed.
Driving is a very complicated process and I
hope I’ve been able to address some of the more unusual aspects
of the safe operation of a motor vehicle that were probably not
covered in any driver’s education class. There are many other
rules and guidelines that exist for you to follow, but that is
between you and your local law enforcement agency. Don’t get me
involved.
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