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As a result
on the recent rash (ok, one incident, but how else do rashes
start?) of toilet paper related violence, I’ve decided to take
action. Recently, in Florida –up until now a bastion of sanity-
a man named Kenneth Matthews was beaten to death with a hammer
and a sledgehammer, which we can assume were fairly heavy, by
his roommate in an argument over toilet paper. Yes, toilet
paper. Before he was beaten, Matthews had pulled out a rifle so
I guess we can assume that both men were more or less angry.
Now, I admit
that it’s not funny at all that a man died. What IS funny,
however, is pretty much every other part of the story, but, as
funny as toilet paper related violence is, someone always ends
up getting hurt, which is why they call it, “Violence”. I do not
know what the specific problem was in this case. Maybe it was
the lack of toilet paper, maybe it was a softness issue and
maybe it was a thickness issue. I’m sure many of us at one time
or another has wanted to hunt down and beat the guy who invented
the single-ply-see through toilet paper found in most public
restrooms. We all can relate, but violence is not the answer.
It’s time to mobilize before things get out of hand.
It’s time to
start a movement (so to speak).
Here is a
pledge you can repeat to yourself, or aloud if you like, to
remind yourself to keep your cool in potential toilet paper
violence situations.
I, (your name
here), hereby promise to refrain from violent activity
including, but not limited to:
1. Shooting
people
2. Hitting
people with hammers, or any heavy thing
3. Other acts
which I think might not be covered by points 1 (one) and 2 (two)
As a result of
experiencing toilet paper that is:
1. Missing
2. Not soft
enough
3. Not thick
enough
4. Has cartoons
on it
5. Is mounted to
a roller that makes a laughing/farting noise or screams, “Yeah,
baby!” whenever I touch it.
Good for
you. You’re now an official Toilet Paper Pacifist. Get out
there and spread the word.
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