I don’t feel so good. Let me tell you why. I have, at this very minute, 20 pounds of Matzo in my pantry. I brought it all home from the supermarket and it was absolutely free, since Jewish people are preparing for Passover, which begins at sundown on April 13 this year, and I guess the supermarket wanted to do something nice. Matzo is an unleavened bread and is the only kind of bread that observant Jews are allowed to eat during Passover, which is a very special and holy time. So now, I’m feeling guilty about my Matzo score because, well … the truth is … I’m not Jewish.
Not even a little. I have done the research. With my genetic background, I can celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, Oktoberfest, whatever holidays English people have (Monarchy Day?) and maybe even Bastille Day, but no Jewish holidays for me. Why, you may ask, would a non-Jewish person have 20 pounds of Matzo in his pantry? Did I mention that it was absolutely free? They didn’t check my ID or anything. It’s as if the market asked me, “Hey John, would you like a 5 pound box of crackers for nothing – no questions asked?” And I answered, “Of course!”
Four times.
How in the world, I thought, could anyone, including God, be mad at me for taking free Matzo? That would be displaced anger. They should be mad at the supermarket for giving it away willy nilly in the first place, right? How dare they! That was my thinking in the heat of battle, as it were. Now, though, I’m beginning to wonder if there is a special place in Hell reserved for non-Jews who horde Matzo during Passover.
I sincerely hope not, because I’m not taking it back. My main problem now, of course, is that I have no idea what to do with it. I mean, a family can only eat so much spray cheese and avocado dip. There are no recipes on the boxes, unless that’s what all that Hebrew writing is. I suppose I could just ask a Jewish person what he would do with it, but I’m afraid the guilt would get the better of me and I’d end up blurting out a full confession, leading everyone within earshot to assume I’m either a lunatic or evil or, more likely, an evil lunatic. So that’s out. Maybe I’ll just keep them in a safe place in case any of my Jewish neighbors experience a Matzo shortage emergency. Then I could be Mr. Super Gentile to the rescue! No way could God still be mad at me then. I guess I could put some those horrible (I just tasted one) crackers in each of my kid’s Easter baskets and call it a lesson in religious tolerance.
I could convert.
I wonder if anyone has ever converted to Judaism in order to eat free crackers without guilt. There has to be a special place in Hell for that. I think what I need to do is just make sure we eat them all before Passover begins. That way, I won’t feel all guilty for having them, ‘cause I won’t. On the bright side, I’ve only got about 19.9 pounds to go, and maybe the store will be giving away spray cheese this week.
I’ll be praying for it.