This is the first in a series of essays I will be releasing in order to help people with their lives. I used to think no one needed my help, but apparently some do. Now they have no excuse.
Lesson 1
How to be a pedestrian
For our purposes, "Pedestrian" will be defined as any creature using its feet to achieve motion, a person using a wheelchair - even if motorized, and any creature who previously was using its feet to achieve motion, but has stopped in the middle of the road to think, talk to someone else or commit suicide.
Pedestrianism is a great way to stay fit, be environmentally responsible and get around if you follow some simple rules:
Rule One
Roads are for motorized vehicles, sometimes very large ones. If you find yourself in the middle of a road and you are something other than a motorized vehicle, such as a pedestrian or a bird, something nasty is sure to happen. Invariably, whenever something nasty happens, the subject of the nastiness gets up off the ground (if he/she/it can) looks around (if he/she/it can) and says something like, "What happened?" or "Chirp". Well, I'll tell you what happened. Probably, you were in the road at the same general time that a motor vehicle was there, and that's almost never a good idea. The other possibility is that you were run over by a second pedestrian who was moving at a much higher rate of speed than you were because that person had enough sense to try to get out of the road before the motor vehicles came. Either way, the educated pedestrian realizes the benefits of avoiding the middle of the road and other moving objects whenever possible.
Rule Two
Vehicle stealth technology has not yet progressed to the point of a pedestrians having an excuse to not be aware of a motor vehicle driving right behind them as they are wandering through a parking lot searching for their own vehicles. The little spaces between the painted lines are for non-moving/parked motor vehicles and all other areas are for moving ones. Pedestrians have to at least show that they are aware that motor vehicles exist, especially when they are looking for or walking toward their own. If you are a pedestrian and you are so oblivious so as to not know that there is a car bumper approximately eight inches from your ass and that this car is being operated by an increasingly angry person, stay home or at least use public transit. You really should not be in control of your own destiny.
Rule Three
When pedestrianing along a road at night, do not wear dark clothing because you think it makes you look cool. It doesn't. It makes you look invisible and motor vehicles drive straight through invisible things all the time. A better choice would be to wear bright colored, glow-in-the-dark clothing fixed with flashing lights and some sort of sound system that makes loud, whooshing noises. This will not make you look cool, but instead you will look like a landing alien spacecraft. Motor vehicles almost always avoid alien spacecraft. I promise.
Rule Four
Do not try to be a pedestrian if you are too drunk to do it safely. It is almost never good for your health and well being, despite being quite enjoyable for everyone watching you. If you find yourself in this position, stay where you are until your sober up and then go home take a good, hard look at your life.
Rule Five
When you are in a place where you are around other pedestrians, always stay to the right. That way you can avoid the situation where you and a person walking in the opposite direction as you have to juke, dance around and wobble back and forth like two ducks in a mating ritual to get around each other. Important - if the "Stay to the right" rule doesn't seem to be working, you may have accidentally walked to Europe and nothing I have to say will help you.
So there you have five simple rules for being a good pedestrian. If these rules were too complex for you or if you need help concerning more basic topics such as getting to your feet or how to stay upright and Rule Four doesn't apply, it's probably better for everyone if you just don't leave the house.
Next time: How to be a driver, even if there are pedestrians or birds in the way.