- in 7 easy steps
Driving on America’s scenic highways and byways can be a beautiful, invigorating and wonderful experience. It can be a dangerous, frightening and life threatening experience as well, and that just describes the other drivers. There are over 220 million motor vehicles in America today, however most of them are on the same road as I am, at all times. For the rest of you, and them, here are some simple guidelines for you to remember that will help you make your driving experience more beautiful, invigorating and wonderful and less dangerous, frightening and life threatening.
1. Assume all other drivers are drunk and/or tired. Most of them drive like they are anyway, and following this rule will keep you on your toes.
2. Assume all pedestrians are deaf and blind. Nothing against people who truly are deaf and blind, since those people are usually much more responsible pedestrians than hearing and sighted people. Still, you should assume all pedestrians can’t hear you, can’t see you and don’t believe there is anything on Earth that can flatten them if they happen to be in its way.
3. All vehicles come from the factory with a limited amount of horn sound, so you should be judicious in its use. Do not use your horn for every little thing, such as to tell everyone within earshot that the traffic light turned green .7 seconds ago and why haven’t you moved yet or to let everyone in the neighborhood know that it is 5 a.m. and you are the carpool driver. You must save your horn sound for times when you need to tell some other driver not to run into you or if you see another vehicle with a “honk if you want to see my Uzi” bumper sticker. If you are the type of person to use up all of your horn sound, you will have to have a new horn sound box installed in your vehicle, although you probably should be banned.
4. In America, and all other civilized places, motor vehicles always stay to the right. Always. If you are ever politely and correctly keeping to the right and you happen to see a sign that says, “Keep left”, either you’ve accidentally driven to England or else everything you’ve ever known is a lie. The “Keep left” sign may as well say, “This way madness lies”. Faced with this possibility, many drivers will close their eyes, let go of the steering wheel and begin screaming and/or praying. This is not a recommended driving technique.
5. Vehicles are expensive and fragile objects and must be properly maintained to be safely operated. In fact, motor vehicles are so fragile that if they interact with any object other than the road surface, such as other vehicles, pedestrians, and wildlife and possibly even acorns and tiny pebbles, thousands of dollars worth of damage will result. Then you will have to take your vehicles to a repair shop where the mechanic on duty will assume you are a sucker and tell you that you can have your car back in 8 to 10 months or whenever you are unable to come and pick it up.
6. You do know that your vehicle requires fuel, right? Good. In many states, you are practically required to pump your own fuel. In other states, it is illegal for you to do that. How are you supposed to know the difference between states? Wait until it is pouring rain or bitterly cold and then go to a gas station. Look around. If all the other drivers are sitting in their cars smiling, it’s a “no self-pump” state. If the other drives are wet and/or cold and/or miserable, drive to another state.
7. Most drivers are going somewhere and almost all of them have to stop the vehicle when they arrive. Stopping a motor vehicle involves either parking or slamming into something. I will address the parking option. Too many people think that the best parking place to use is the one that is closest to your destination, even if you have to wait for it to become available. Not true. The best parking places to use are the ones that are already available when you arrive. If you are the type of driver who is willing to hold up the flow of traffic in a parking lot when it’s very busy, such as on Christmas Eve or Arbor Day, in order to claim a parking spot that looks like it might be available soon, but currently isn’t, then all of the other drivers and I would recommend that you use stopping option number two, preferably at a very high rate of speed.
Driving is a very complicated process and I hope I’ve been able to address some of the more unusual aspects of the safe operation of a motor vehicle that were probably not covered in any driver’s education class. There are many other rules and guidelines that exist for you to follow, but that is between you and your local law enforcement agency. Don’t get me involved.