McFurry
Here’s a story I found on Cnn.com’s “World” page. The “World” page features stories with headlines like these:
Spain begins repatriating illegal Senegalese
And
Mexican officials say they’ll destroy ballots
And
Chavez-Castro ties may curb U.S. on Cuba (whatever that means)
And
Food giant bows to hedgehog
Now, wait just a minute. Back up, there. Food giant bows to hedgehog?
THAT one, I had to read. As a service to loyal jpchambers.com readers, here’s my report.
Hedgehogs are small, rodent-like creatures with beady eyes and, according to Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia, “have changed little over the last 15 million years”, or at least since 1950. Also according to Wikipedia, they eat mostly insects and fruit, but my own extensive research, which consists mainly of looking at pictures, has concluded that they would probably much rather eat humans, then take over human homes and watch Sportscenter all night (they’re nocturnal).
Now, it seems that the only thing that stood between hedgehogs and total world domination (and huge Sportscenter ratings) was their weakness for a product from McDonald’s called the McFlurry. The McFlurry is an ice cream dessert that comes in a cup with a lid. The lid had an opening that was just large enough for the hedgehogs to get their heads into, but just small enough that they couldn’t then get their heads out of. Thus, the animals were getting discarded lids stuck on their heads and were, quoting from Cnn.com now, “Dying in untold numbers”, which means at least 2.
It seems that this was a large enough problem in England (where hedgehogs live) that a group of people, who I now believe are hedgehog domination co-conspirators, has formed the British Hedgehog Preservation Society. The BHPS, having almost nothing else to do, has spent the last five years lobbying the McDonald’s corporation to change their McFlurry packaging.
FIVE years.
McDonald’s, for their part, performed “significant research and design testing” to create a solution, which ended up being a lid with a smaller opening. Brilliant. No wonder my Happy Meals cost so much. So now, despite the fact that no one I’ve spoken with has ever even seen a hedgehog with a dessert lid stuck on its head, the little creatures are free to lull humans into complacency and organize their inevitable attack. Now they know that it will take at least five years and possibly billions of dollars for us to formulate the proper style of dessert lid with which we can protect ourselves and our way of life.
Thank you, British Hedgehog Preservation Society.
Thank you, McDonald’s.
Now, it’s getting late and I need to go watch Sportscenter while I still can.